Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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