got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
