I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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