Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
