who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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