God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
