OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
