It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
