just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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