Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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