her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
