How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
