The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
