Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
