I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
