we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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