We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
