i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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