I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize