I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
