I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize