i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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