3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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