I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
