First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
