I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
