I smell stomach acid.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
