just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
