Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
