You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Terrible idea I love it
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
