There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
