There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
