If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
NoShamevember. You game?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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