i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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