i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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