I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's no shave November. This is our time.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
