It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
