Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I didn't notice because vodka
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
