You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
