I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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