SEEEEXXX PLEASE
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
