Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
