our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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