he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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