You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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