it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
