I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
