He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm just crazy horny about you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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