My Higher Power is John Stamos
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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