Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Is it penis luge time yet?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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