he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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