Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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