I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
