dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
